Joke

Squirrel Joke

Trust me, pee before you read this one...lol


I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect... I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic.

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves.


Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die you gravy-sucking heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have, The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing and now, I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can have only one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.


With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel however.

The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand .. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of. Spectacularly sort-of . so to speak. Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade into your police car.

I heard screams. This time they weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really...Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

jokes

*

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of Squirrels. He pulls the guy over and says...

"You can't drive around with squirrels in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says “OK”... and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of squirrels, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands...

"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies...

"I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

******



A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said...

"Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy...

"I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"

*****



A cuple of squirrel walk into a public library, find the librarian and say...

“Buk Buk BUK”

The librarian decides that the squirrel want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.

Around midday, the two squirrels are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says...

“Buk Buk BuuuuUUK!”

The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.

About an hour later the two squirrel march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting...

“Buk Buk Buk Buk BuUUUUKKKK!”

The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.

She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

She saw the two squirrels throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...


"

I am a poor wayfaring stranger
Travelling through this world of woe
But there's no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go

Well I'm going there
To meet my mother
Said she'd meet me when I come
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home

I know dark clouds
Will gather 'round me
I know my way
Will be rough and steep
But beautiful fields lie just before me
Where God's redeemed
Their vigils keep

Well I'm going there
To meet my loved ones
Gone on before me, one by one
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home

I'll soon be free of earthy trials
My body rest in the old church yard
I'll drop this cross of self-denial
And i'll go singing home to God

Well I'm going there
To meet my Savior
Dwell with Him and never roam
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home

A Heavy Heart

As i sit here and write this blog . My heart is heavy with emotion . Something i am dealing with that i need guidance from above !
About nine months ago my daughter and her husband's life changed forever . Their world came crashing down around them on a Wednesday night .

I hadn't been really close to my daughter and i had heard rumor's about the drugs . Just really didn't want to believe it . You see they had been messing with drugs for a while and it caught up with them on that night .

They were sitting home enjoying an evening together .
They heard a noise outside . Jimmy (husband) picked up his gun and as he was going to the door . A loud knock on the door. Sheriff's dept . They ordered both of them on the floor . Just as my daughter hit the floor . Shots rang out and in return a swat deputy began shooting . When it was over . Two deputy's were wounded in the arm . My daughter was alright but Jimmy was down with numerous wounds .

He was taken to a hospital then transported to a trauma center . He had 27 bullet wounds . It was near death for many weeks . Daughter was finally taken to him not even knowing if he were alive or not .

She called me and asked me not to judge her and Jimmy . I didn't know what she was talking about till she told me . I being disabled . I couldn't go to her and be there for her . I was in pain of not being there .

He finally recovered enough to go home but had a long recovery ahead . The Sheriffs dept was in contact with them . No charges were filed at that time . Turn's out his insurance decided it wouldn't pay and they ended up with around 250 thousand dollars owed . Unemployment was out of question for him . My daughter lost her good paying job . Thankfully she got to draw unemployment .

Three weeks ago they learned that arrest warrants were drawn up . They had been in touch with a lawyer . He advised turning themselves in . Two weeks ago on Wednesday they did with lawyer present . First bond was set at 450 thousand dollars then reduced to 150 thousand . for Jimmy . Unable to get bond money they now have Jimmy in jail and will soon be transported to state prison . First court date is in July .

My daughter wasn't charged till this past Monday . They let her out on her signature . Jimmy is facing 20 years . Daughter may get probation . Hopefully ! Her world has come apart . Now there is bar's between him and her . Because they can't afford a decent lawyer which wants 35 thousand dollars to defend them . They are forced to accept a court appointed attorney . Meaning Jimmy will probably get 15 to 20 years .

I am in no way defending what they did . It looks like if you wound a cop ya get 15 to 20 years but if you shoot a citizen you may just get probation and kick in the ass . I ash is that fair ?

On this night i plan on writing a letter to Jimmy . I have no idea what to say . All i can offer is moral support . I have no means of helping him except being their for my daughter when she needs a shoulder to lean on .

You know i was thinking this evening with tears flowing . After this is over . I may never see my son in law again and when he gets out i will probably be dead . That is sad !

I do pray the Lord will give me guidance in knowing what to write .

People always say do the crime , do the time . It sure is easy to say that but when it hits home it isn't funny . I am having a hard time dealing with this but in time i will adjust .

If anyone decides to read this . Drugs destroy lives , family's , people around them . I see it on tv every day . Now i am seeing it firsthand !

A Prayer By Muni

My heart is broken and tormented..Many of the people I care about are going
through so much right now..My sweet friend Janet lost the love of her life and I
know there are no words to ease this pain..My own life needs some healing..Please lets pray for all those in some need of Peace and Comfort..I would like to take just a moment to say, Lord please bless us all not just in our time of need but always, I know when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I need a friend, when the load feels just a little to heavy, my heavenly Father it's You, You who will be there and who will always lift me up and give me the strength to face another day..Thank you my Lord for all that You do and for all that You are and thank you for hearing my prayers and blessing all the people I love and more importantly all the people who turn to
you in the good and the bad times..In Jesus name I pray!!..Amen...Muni

Maxzene

5 BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up,
Will Power
Helps me get out of bed.


Then I go to see John


Then Charlie Horse
Comes along, & when he is here, he takes lot of my time & attention.


When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis
Shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from Joint to joint.


After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with
Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh, yes, I'm also
Flirting with Al Zymer!


I am thinking of calling
JACK DANIELS
Or
JOHNNY WALKER
To come and keep me company.

Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...
The closer it gets to the end,
The faster it goes...so have fun,
Think good thoughts only,
Learn to laugh at yourself,
And count your blessings!!!