Doggie Dictionary Plus Jay Leno / Bad Date

If you didn't
see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it.
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have
all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went
into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman
ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There
was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the
prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and
quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside
Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met
before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon. They were
driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that
she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of
nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which
she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and
slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better
stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of
his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked
her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't
have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to
steady her self.

Her companion stood on the side of the car
watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the
rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she
soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up
her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against
the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately
came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It
was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme
cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of
the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so
long"
with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of
some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover
herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes,
he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when
they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her
dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they
also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something
hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy
metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one
way to get her free.

So, as she looked the
other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her
butt off the fender. As the
audience screamed in laughter, she took the
Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And
you thought your first date was embarrassing!

Jay Leno's comment... "This
gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

Oh, and how
did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her
on the Leno show.

Found on another group , makes since .

LEASH A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.

SNIFF A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular Bump doesn't get the attention your require....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

CHILDREN Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your stump. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.